How to Talk to Kids about Death By MyQTBB
Table of Contents 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Introduction Developmental Stages of Understanding How to Talk About Death to Young Children Opportunities to Talk About Death How to Prepare Your Children When Attending Funerals 6. Conclusion
Introduction Talking about death with your kids can be very uncomfortable and many adults tend to avoid discussing such matters. Nevertheless, death is an inevitable part of life and it is in our hands to ensure that our kids are well-informed about it and to make them feel that death is normal and that it is okay to talk about it. If we try to communicate with our children deep enough, we may even be surprised about how much our children already know about death. They have certainly seen dead animals, like dead insects and birds, and may have already come across dead animals on the road. Children read about death in their fairy tales, watch it in cartoons and even role-play death in school plays. With such exposures, it can be considered that kids already have an idea about death, but we need to know whether do they truly understand it and how do they deal with such issues.
Developmental Stages of Understanding 3 - 6 Years Old Children at this stage mostly perceive death as temporary and reversible. There are many children stories that they may have read or watched where characters come back to life after dying. It is not surprising that children at this age do not fully understand the realities of death yet, and it is appropriate for their age level to think this way. We can notice most of the children’s understanding of dying through playing with their toys, letting the characters fight each other and that the other one wins if the other one dies.
7 - 9 Years Old Most children are beginning to see that all living things eventually die and consider death is final. However, they tend to not relate it to themselves yet and consider the idea that they can escape it or it doesn’t have to necessarily happen to them. They may associate images with death as what they often see in the television, such as a skeleton or vampires in caskets. Some children have nightmares about them. You need to reassure to them that death is not something to be afraid of, that it is just a part of life and it is natural.
10 Years Old Onwards Children now begin to fully understand that death is not temporary and they will die some day as well. It is important to keep in mind however that generally, children develop at different rates and have different environments and perception to what they see or experience. They have their own personal ways of handling and expressing emotions. You must gage your children’s knowledge about death and assess if their perception of death might have an effect on their well-being. No matter how children cope with death or express their feelings, they need sensitive and non-judgmental responses from adults. Listen to their thoughts carefully and observe their actions.
How to Talk About Death to Young Children Many people feel challenged when discussing death to young children. A good idea to explain this would be the use of things that they see in their normal surrounding. For instance, you can explain death in an easier and lighter way by saying that upon death, the normal life activities will be absent already, breathing for humans, barking for dogs or swimming for fishes, or wilting of plants or flowers. A good opportunity to discuss this would be when you see dead plants around your garden or when passing on them while walking on your way home. You can also explain someone who dies in simple terms for young children. For example, when someone dies they don't move anymore, breathe, or eat, or feel hungry or cold, or you won't be able to see them again. .
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While the permanency of death is not yet fully understood, a child may think that death means separation. Separation from parents and the loss of care involved are frightening. So you need to take extra care in handling such questions. In such cases, children need to be reassured. Probably the best reassurance statement would be “I will take care of you and I will be here for you for as long as I can. But if I die, I will not let you be alone.” Uplift your child’s feelings by saying that there will still be a lot of people who love him dearly and will take care of him. It is important to check which words you use when discussing death with your kids. Some children confuse death with sleep, particularly if they hear adults refer to death as sleeping. Some adults also tend to refer to death as going away or leaving.
Resulting from this confusion, a child may be scared of going to bed, believing that they might not wake up either or not letting you go somewhere without him, respectively. Kids at a very young age may confuse about death and being sick as well, if they were given an answer that somebody died because that person is sick. You need to clear this notion to your kids and explain that only very critical illnesses can cause death. You may also give examples of these diseases in an informative way, and be sure to avoid frightening them. Telling them that the cause of death is an illness and should be backed up with an explanation that not all ailments cause death. Associating death to old age can also be challenging, as kids will definitely wonder when a younger person dies.
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You should as well mention that death is not exclusively associated to old age, but other people can somehow be extremely sick or something can happen to them so they died too. Always end your conversations with a reassurance that you guarantee that you will take good care of your child and of yourself so you won’t become sick and die early, instead live a longer and happier life together. It is important to help children understand the realities of death, being the loss and the grief. Trying to shield children from these realities only denies them from the opportunity to express their feelings and be comforted. You need to share your feelings; both you and your child, for this will greatly benefit your relationship and improve their understanding regarding such delicate matters.
Opportunities to Talk About Death The death of other animals, plants or flowers can also greatly astonish the kids and get them more curious about death. In these occasions, you can easily open the topic about death and have a deep conversation about it with your child. Questions with great details are highly expected, but if in case your child isn’t necessarily interested with the subject, you can initiate the questions and control the flow of the discussion. One of the most interesting and perhaps effective reassurances to tell kids about death is the concept that all living things eventually die, but it makes room for new things to join us on earth. You can use the analogy that when they lose things such as their loved pets, a new and healthier pet will be given to them.
The death of celebrities or famous personalities, which are reported on TV, may as well be a good conversation starter to your kids. Use these circumstances in opening topics about death. However, there may be news about deaths that happened in a brutal way, like accidents or crimes. These will definitely stir up fear to your children, so you need to assure them that these events are highly unlikely to happen to their loved ones and that they are safe. Always keep it a habit to incorporate love, care and reassurance with everything they open up or share with you.
How to Prepare Your Children When Attending Funerals During funerals, it is important to ask your child first whether he or she wants to attend. If your child agrees to attend a funeral, you must prepare them for what they might witness or observe during the event. Discuss with your child the anticipated atmosphere in the funeral, and mention as early as before you leave the house that in the event that you’re about to go to, there will be people who are crying and deeply upset. Children might hesitate to go to the event and be afraid when you use such sad descriptions, but you can encourage your child that the sad people need comfort and that you should go to show that you care for them.
Have your child seated next to you or someone they are close to and who is able to cope with their questions and is prepared to offer explanations. If your child prefers to not attend the funeral, they must not be forced. Be transparent to your children with showing your emotion of sadness and despair. Do not mask these feelings, as the children also need to know and understand that these emotions are just normal and there are moments in our lives when sadness and grief really come.
Conclusion A grieving child needs information that is clear, comprehensible and appropriate to their development level. No matter what their reaction may be or however they perceive the lessons you teach them about death, you need to instill kindness and sympathy to your children regarding such circumstances. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen Amazon’s best-selling book with clear illustrations (as below). Get it here.
Death is a very complicated and delicate issue to explain to your children, but you need to be patient in discussing such matters with them, be strong, be compassionate and be the role model that you want your children to look up to when handling such sad circumstances.
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